Blog Archives

Choo Choo, All Aboard!

I’m not sure what just happened, but after a week of feeling happy, positive, and motivated, including this morning, I had a miniature meltdown.

It came so suddenly and hit me hard like a speeding train. I felt so hopeless and couldn’t stop crying. I felt alone because I barely saw my husband this week and was alone all day despite the fact that it’s Saturday, because my husband had a work event. I felt angry at my husband for leaving me alone. I felt overwhelmed with anxiety about the work week starting again on Monday, despite the fact that I’m currently working only two days a week. And I felt like trying to write was pointless, that I’ll never get better, even though I spent all morning making progress and feeling good about my story.

This meltdown is technically still happening. I’ve managed to stop crying and pull myself away from the couch, but it feels like anything might start me crying again if I’m not careful. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m trying to reason my way out of it, because there’s no reason I should feel this way.

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October 5, 2013 · 5:31 pm

“I know some other foreigners. Want me to introduce you?”

English: Foreigners_in_Yokohama_in_1854

Foreigners in Yokohama in 1854 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m ready to start making friends for reasons other than we’re both from foreign countries.

I need a Japanese friend who is jaded with foreigners and who just wants to talk about cool stuff instead of only my home country and what I think about Japan. Is that too much to ask?

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April 13, 2013 · 9:58 pm

The Dull Clawing

There’s a dull clawing deep inside you. Something familiar but undefinable. An emotion, an idea, a thought that both describes you and terrifies you.

It’s something heavy and deep-rooted. It feels like the very secret of existence, and you want to understand it.

But if you follow it, try to put it down on paper and make it definable, you may fall into the hole. And you fear you won’t be able to climb out.

You fear how that state of mind will affect your relationships, your well-being, your breath.

So you don’t follow it. You go to work on something quieter, something safer, instead.

 

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March 29, 2013 · 8:48 pm