Tag Archives: goals

Before I do something crazy…

Before I do something crazy and make a large change in my life in an attempt to chase happiness, I’m trying to improve myself. I’m studying every day using Memrise, Khan Academy, and Codecademy. I’m trying to read more, understand more, and eliminate my ignorances. And I’m trying to become less angry, hateful, selfish, and ugly on the inside.

For years I’ve been so confused about what I want to do in terms of long-term goals, but I think I’m slowly finding my way. As of now, I have two possible plans:

  1. Pay off loans, save money, and move back to LA to try to make professional connections as I continue to improve my writing.
  2. Pay off loans, save money, and go back to school for theatre or filmmaking while I continue to improve my writing.

No matter what I end up doing in the future, my immediate goals can’t change. First I need to finish paying my student loans and then save money for whatever my next plan of action is. It’s almost comforting to realize that I don’t have to make any Big Decisions right now, but it’s also frustrating that I need to wait even longer before I can start doing what I want to be doing. I’m only getting older, after all.

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Goals, Jobs, and the JLPT

New Offical Website of The Japanese Language P...

New Offical Website of The Japanese Language Proficiency Test (Photo credit: Rainbowhill LL)

If you’re interested in Japan, you’ve probably already heard of the JLPT. The Japanese-Language Proficiency Test, or JLPT for short,  is what it sounds like–a test that measures the Japanese ability of non-Japanese, and about 600,000 people take it every year. The test is divided into five levels, going from N5 (the easiest) to N1 (the hardest).

Typically companies in Japan require foreign workers to hold a certificate at the N1 or N2 level, which is why passing the JLPT N2 has been a goal of mine since I started studying Japanese. But it’s always felt like a far-away goal, something that, even now, would still take a year or two of studying to pass.

This July, I sat for the N2 at a local university. I didn’t expect to pass, but at least I would know how close I was to reaching my goal. Last week, the results were posted. I didn’t pass, as expected, but my score was higher than I thought it’d be. Much higher. My listening score, in particular, kicked some ass. I was floored. For a year I’d been beating myself up about how low my Japanese skills are despite studying for five years, but here I am almost reaching my goal. It was a huge boost of confidence.

I’ve been studying Japanese every day since the results, and I plan to sit for the test again in December, this time with a goal of passing. But… if and when I do pass, it will leave me with a decision to make.

Should I keep teaching English and being miserable but being paid well? Or, do I want enter a different job where I have the chance of actually enjoying what I do? If the latter, I’d have to work twice as long for the same about of pay I’m getting now, which would mean less time to write, which is what I actually want to be doing. I just need a job for the money until I get good enough at writing to hopefully make it a career.

Whatever I decide to do, I hope I’ve learned to have more confidence in myself and my abilities, and that goals might be closer than they seem and are reachable as long as you do the work.

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What the Fuck Am I Doing with My Life?

I want a big change in my life, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to fuck up my future or my relationships, but I don’t want to later regret a nondecision either.

I feel like I should be doing something else. I try to talk to my husband about this, but it’s never very helpful. Either his advice is no good or he takes it personally. And I feel like I bring him down.

There are so many things I want to do. My husband thinks it’s a waste to try to do many things; you only have one life, so you should use it to become the best at one thing. On the other hand, I think it’s a waste of time to spend your entire life doing one thing. What if you end up not liking it? It would kind of be a waste. But then again, it takes a lifetime to become good at anything, which is also important to me.

But how do you know what to spend your life doing? Like I said, it takes a lifetime to get good at something, and the longer it takes for me to figure out what to do, the less of a chance I have to become good.

I realized this is the reason why I don’t finish a lot of things I start. When I become interested in a new hobby, there’s the initial stage of “This is so much fun! This is so exciting!” Then I realize I’m no good at it and that it’ll take a lifetime to become good, and I don’t even know if it’s something I enjoy enough to make that kind of commitment.

And with video games, I feel like I’m wasting my time. “Playing this game isn’t going to add anything substantial to my life.” Or even if I can put that aside, I’ll get stuck. Or I realize someone’s already posted a walkthrough and I can follow it to get a perfect score, but then what’s the point?

I have a million dreams that all take a lifetime and only one life to live them all.

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