a little dose of keelium
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If you’ve been around here long, or if you know me in person, you probably know I have a slightly defective brain, which is to say that I have a history with clinical depression. Add on to that a(n un-)healthy dose of perfectionism, and you have an expert procrastinator. I can miserably waste a day (and yes, if you didn’t get anything useful done OR even enjoy yourself a little, that was a day wasted) with the best (worst?) of them.
But I’ve been at the depression game for 10+ years now, and the perfectionism for 20+ (I distinctly remember bawling over imperfect crayon drawings. Started young.), and I’ve had to…
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I want a big change in my life, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to fuck up my future or my relationships, but I don’t want to later regret a nondecision either.
I feel like I should be doing something else. I try to talk to my husband about this, but it’s never very helpful. Either his advice is no good or he takes it personally. And I feel like I bring him down.
There are so many things I want to do. My husband thinks it’s a waste to try to do many things; you only have one life, so you should use it to become the best at one thing. On the other hand, I think it’s a waste of time to spend your entire life doing one thing. What if you end up not liking it? It would kind of be a waste. But then again, it takes a lifetime to become good at anything, which is also important to me.
But how do you know what to spend your life doing? Like I said, it takes a lifetime to get good at something, and the longer it takes for me to figure out what to do, the less of a chance I have to become good.
I realized this is the reason why I don’t finish a lot of things I start. When I become interested in a new hobby, there’s the initial stage of “This is so much fun! This is so exciting!” Then I realize I’m no good at it and that it’ll take a lifetime to become good, and I don’t even know if it’s something I enjoy enough to make that kind of commitment.
And with video games, I feel like I’m wasting my time. “Playing this game isn’t going to add anything substantial to my life.” Or even if I can put that aside, I’ll get stuck. Or I realize someone’s already posted a walkthrough and I can follow it to get a perfect score, but then what’s the point?
I have a million dreams that all take a lifetime and only one life to live them all.
Foreigners in Yokohama in 1854 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’m ready to start making friends for reasons other than we’re both from foreign countries.
I need a Japanese friend who is jaded with foreigners and who just wants to talk about cool stuff instead of only my home country and what I think about Japan. Is that too much to ask?